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sacrifice and family

Recently my first play The Pillar Clock had an opportunity to find life on the stage (La Luna Productions in association with NeWorld Theatre and part of the Firehall Arts Centre Launch Pad). I spent three years writing the play while I was raising my young children. During the latter two years I took charge of securing the finances and the creative team to produce it. I decided to cast colour-blind even though the play was written for 6 Japanese actors. In the end I also decided to play the lead role in the production. With absolute dedication from everyone involved during the three year process, The Pillar Clock enjoyed both critical and box office success. One comment I've heard from almost everybody is "you must have sacrificed so much for your accomplishment". Without a doubt, like any self producing artist, I worked hard, took risks and made tough choices. But sacrifice?

We all make millions of choices in our life time. We think logically, weigh the pros and cons, and decide hoping that what we gain in the end is greater and more valuable than the loss. The question is when does a choice become a sacrifice?

When I started writing the play I just had a new born baby and an ever so energetic two year old son to take care of. It was a full time job which drove me insane at times. When could I dedicate time for myself? During the nights I chose writing rather than sleeping. It may sound like I sacrificed a lot. However, I had survived on 4-hour-sleep-a-day for 2 years and I was breast feeding a couple of times a night anyway, so sleep deprivation was not a painful experience to endure. It was a fact of life.

Keita, Manami and Leina in San Francisco

Why did I choose such a crazy time to challenge myself? Simply, it was for my survival as an artist. I needed to be in touch with my creativity. My children's raw emotions and their freedom to be who they are also allowed me to embrace my insecurity. After all aren't I an ESL FOB Japanese artist? It's all a matter of perspective. One person's sacrifice is another's choice and reality.

The Pillar Clock's director, Camyar Chai, and I put a lot of thought into selecting actors. We chose Tom McBeath, a Caucasian actor to play the Japanese father. I played his wife. Leanne Adachi, a Japanese actor, Tiffany Knight, a Caucasian actor, and Maryam Ghaeni, an Iranian actor, played the daughters. Donna Yamamoto, a Japanese actor, played the mistress. As a result of colour-blind casting, we stirred up arguments and received some judgmental and even racist comments from Asian and non-Asian sources. Why did we deliberately take away the rare opportunity to showcase Oriental actors? Were we saying that we couldn't find six talented Japanese actors in Vancouver? Did we confirm speculation that Oriental actors are less talented? From some people's point of view we sacrificed the reputation and value of Asian actors by casting the premium "Asian" part with Tom McBeath, one of the most recognized Caucasian actors in Vancouver. Some thought this decision was made to gain us more advantageous media exposure than would have occurred had we cast a lower profile Asian actor. However, our decision came very naturally when two Japanese actors to whom we offered the parts in the play had conflicts with the production dates. It was then that we decided to open the parts to all Asian races. Picture a production of a play about Japanese family and the characters are played by Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Malaysian and Vietnamese actors. It may be aesthetically truthful but it is not culturally authentic. It would actually be a fully multicultural cast. Many people could justify such an illusion because there is a common acceptance that Asian cultures are interchangeable and we all "look alike".

Husband Bart with Leina, Keita and Manami at the Powell Street Festival

So let's push it further and why not open the parts to all races? My play is about human struggle and relationships and these characters just happened to be Japanese. From my point of view, I simply took a risk when my play presented a perfect opportunity to promote cultural diversity in such a culturally specific play with a universal theme. As an Asian theatre artist I chose to challenge people's vision and idea of multiculturalism. In that sense, I sacrificed an authentic all Japanese cast production of The Pillar Clock in the hope of expanding the realm of possibility. One person's sacrifice can not be measured by another's perceptions.

The one thing that I ended up sacrificing for my accomplishment is my father's integrity and my family name. The play is about my family secret; to be precise, my father's infidelity. As the opening night approached I fully realized (as naïve as it may sound) the consequence of my choice. Family honor is so important and the last thing I wanted to be was disrespectful. Yet here I chose to expose my family shame in public. Because my father suffered a massive brain aneurysm and lost some mental capacity I was able to reveal our family secret without his full knowledge. Whether I chose to write a play based on my family's shame to challenge the minds of the audience remains unanswered. But my mother and my sisters allowed me to sacrifice our family reputation and gave me their unconditional trust to write The Pillar Clock with dignity and respect. In that sense, I appreciate sacrifice as a recipient. My mother and sisters' choice becomes a sacrifice because I acknowledge their selfless act as a gift to me, for my gain. I feel extremely inadequate to talk about this because I don't know the line between sacrifice and the choices we make. What would I sacrifice? I can not imagine sacrificing my integrity and values as a person and as an artist. But perhaps someday in the future, if the time comes to face such a challenge, I may be able to understand the depths of this word.